I woke up this morning and decided it is time to get my shit back together.
Over the last few months or so I have lost it a bit. Looking back, I can clearly see why: the last year and a bit have been a whirlwind of events, one thing more stressful than the other. We had a baby, got forced to move house, ended up buying, I finally passed my driving test, started a new job and our then-childminder kept messing us around and in the end dropped us altogether without warning. It should have been so different. My second child was a bit of a shock to the system (what a difference 10 years make!), the house buying hinged on my employment status (which, at the time, was a bit of a messy affair), the new car and job have brought their own challenges. But, to be fair, we were lucky when it came to childcare and couldn’t be happier than we are now with our new childminder 🙂
The past year has dragged on me. I didn’t take proper care of myself, lost sleep, ate far too much rubbish in a bid to save a minute here or there, was constantly stressed. It all came back to haunt me about a week or so ago and I was forced to put the brakes on big time. I now have a little bit of time to pull it all back together.
I’ve always been a perfectionist, always striven to spin all the plates, make it all happen and convince myself that I can have it all. And when it turned out I couldn’t, I tried to change my mindset, convince myself that enough was enough and to be happy with what I had, but in hindsight, that’s just not me. I can’t lower my standards. I’ve spent a two thirds of my lifetime being told I’m not good enough and stubbornly proving over and over again that they’re wrong – by being better than anyone thought I’d ever be at doing the things I love doing, by seeing my life goals through, by giving every last bit I had to the things I cared about over and over and deriving new energy from achieving my goals.
Over the last few months, I lost direction and gave in to old thoughts and mindsets. I can’t do that anymore. Having got the big challenges out of the way (let’s face it, the house and child number two were very big challenges indeed), it’s time to focus on the little things, time to focus on rebuilding the person that I was and that my husband knew. It’s time to remember my hobbies, my dreams and that my body needs a little care every now and again. It’s time.